Friday, June 19, 2009

How Did I Get Here?

Chris is downstairs working on his computer; I'm upstairs working on mine.

Over the last few days, enjoying actually having space to spread out in, Chris and I have been spending a lot of time apart.

We have dinner together and talk pleasantly as we discuss various chores and to-do's.  We still say I love you and kiss goodnight, but for the most part, we're living separate days.

If we do try to talk beyond what's necessary, if we try to engage in light conversation, things inevitably turn into an argument.

I've tried to tell myself it will pass, but so far, it hasn't.

How did I get here?

I cried last night thinking about it all.  It was half past 1 am, I couldn't sleep.  I went out to the living room, flopped on the couch, and cried.

Chris came out minutes later to console me.  

He listened as I told him my worries that we aren't "normal."  That we don't have a "normal" marriage and that we fight more than "normal."

Chris reclined on the couch, my head on his lap.  

"Sarah, we aren't normal," he posited.  "We were married for barely two months before we left all our friends and family, everyone we love, and moved to Turkey where we had one of the most insane, stressful jobs ever, and lived with undrinkable water in a barely inhabitable apartment.  And when that all went to pot, we quit our jobs and set out to tour Europe for 3 months."

Yes, right, so that's how I got here.

I have to agree with Chris, we are not normal.

But somehow, that's still not comforting.

I want a yardstick to compare myself to.  It's much more comforting to say "Oh yeah, the Stevens fight this much, and I know the Smiths do too, so it must be normal."

I crave to be in the average percentile, to be doing things like 80% of the people I know.

But then if that were true, why don't I do things like 80% of the people I know?  If I want to be sure I'm fighting with my husband as much as them, wouldn't it only make sense I'd want to travel as much as them, and be eating out as much as them, etc...?

Maybe it's because not getting along is a negative thing - and a scary thing.  Maybe that's why I crave the reassurance.

I hesitate in posting this for a few reasons: 1. it feels like a downer, 2. it's quite personal, and 3. I know it will pass.

But ultimately, I thought, hey, maybe it will help make someone else that fights with their husband feel normal.  

I could really use an honest blog like that to read.  

So maybe you can too.  


  1. When you look at the statistic that over 50% of U.S. marriages end in divorce, I’m not sure that’s a time you want to fall into the norm. Seeing as you aren’t doing things “normal” newly weds would, I think you are going to be just fine. You are truly a brave blogger. Love you both!

  2. Helloooo Wehkamps!
    Chris, love ya, but this one's for Sarah!

    Um, yeeeeeaaa, you ARE normal in that marriages aren't peachy-keen all the time. It's work, man! There are fights, there are moments and stretches of separation and differences and there are definitely times of reflection and pondering the "What Ifs". That's normal, darlin, that's life.

    YOU ARE NOT normal, in that you all have never been normal, and I pray to God that you never become normal. You both are unique- and I could put money down that you haven't deviated much from the Chris and Sarah I spent hours behind stage with in middle school. What you have done by following your hearts and jetting off to Turkey is not normal- it's not the suburbia lifestyle- it's you guys and it's awesome.

    Don't fret- it will pass. It's spicy. Just remember to love eachother in those times and be positive about your marriage rather than worrisome about some of it's rougher textures. Marriage rocks- I love it! Does that mean it's been a breeze? Oh, good Lord, NO! But, I love my husband and I love the crazy, obnoxious, want-to-ring-his-neck things he does to make me insane.

    Normal? Hmmm.

    Take care you two! I'll be working with your dad, Chris- should be a trip. Hope you all are well!!

    Jill Miller (Corey)... with love

  3. Thanks Emily - I agree that I definitely don't want us to be part of that 50%, the "normal" way marriage goes. And thanks for saying I'm a brave blogger. Sometimes I get really nervous pushing that "submit" button, but I tell myself that maybe someone else feels the same way and it will help them. Mayhaps. Or maybe I'm just talking to myself. Either way, glad you enjoy. Thanks for commenting! You're like our number one commentor. We should get you a prize!

  4. Jill - How wonderful to hear from you! Thanks for the support. I'm glad to know I'm not alone. And how fun to think back on the Milliken days behind stage. Remember the time Chris forgot his entrance? Clockwork I believe? I think that was the spark that started this marriage - how funny. Hope to hear from you again soon. I send support to your marriage as well ;) We all got to help each other out with this stuff.

  5. AMEN sister!!

    According to the Wehkamps, you all are just living it up in JFK right now- anxiously awaiting a break from the non-rev department!! I hope you catch a flight and get your non-normal butts back to DFW. It's missin you! We'll have the two of you over for some very boring grilling out very soon:) safe travels . . .jill