Over the last few days, enjoying actually having space to spread out in, Chris and I have been spending a lot of time apart.
We have dinner together and talk pleasantly as we discuss various chores and to-do's. We still say I love you and kiss goodnight, but for the most part, we're living separate days.
If we do try to talk beyond what's necessary, if we try to engage in light conversation, things inevitably turn into an argument.
I've tried to tell myself it will pass, but so far, it hasn't.
How did I get here?
I cried last night thinking about it all. It was half past 1 am, I couldn't sleep. I went out to the living room, flopped on the couch, and cried.
Chris came out minutes later to console me.
He listened as I told him my worries that we aren't "normal." That we don't have a "normal" marriage and that we fight more than "normal."
Chris reclined on the couch, my head on his lap.
"Sarah, we aren't normal," he posited. "We were married for barely two months before we left all our friends and family, everyone we love, and moved to Turkey where we had one of the most insane, stressful jobs ever, and lived with undrinkable water in a barely inhabitable apartment. And when that all went to pot, we quit our jobs and set out to tour Europe for 3 months."
Yes, right, so that's how I got here.
I have to agree with Chris, we are not normal.
But somehow, that's still not comforting.
I want a yardstick to compare myself to. It's much more comforting to say "Oh yeah, the Stevens fight this much, and I know the Smiths do too, so it must be normal."
I crave to be in the average percentile, to be doing things like 80% of the people I know.
But then if that were true, why don't I do things like 80% of the people I know? If I want to be sure I'm fighting with my husband as much as them, wouldn't it only make sense I'd want to travel as much as them, and be eating out as much as them, etc...?
Maybe it's because not getting along is a negative thing - and a scary thing. Maybe that's why I crave the reassurance.
I hesitate in posting this for a few reasons: 1. it feels like a downer, 2. it's quite personal, and 3. I know it will pass.
But ultimately, I thought, hey, maybe it will help make someone else that fights with their husband feel normal.
I could really use an honest blog like that to read.
So maybe you can too.