Saturday, April 18, 2009
The Local Toy Shoppe - by Christopher
Around the corner from the resort we've been staying in for the last two weeks is a surprisingly gigantic toy store. Surprising because it's by far the largest store of any type that we've seen on the island. Sarah and I spent nearly an hour walking the aisles. And not because we wanted to buy toys.
Few things in life give me a good laugh like Engrish does.
Engrish is a slang term for the kind of ridiculously translated English that gets printed on cheap Asian merchandise. It's also the kind of English I grew up enjoying in dozens of NES games. As a kid, I thought I was discovering some kind of video game programmer secret code.
Sarah shot as many of the products as she could. Each example has a very unique story to tell us. Let's take a look at our first offering:
Whoa! A toy orbital sander! Exclamation point! But I'm kind of worried about it's safety. I wish there was something here to reassure me...
Now I feel better.
Little girls or "sweeting babies" as typical english speakers refer to them, love baby dolls and baby doll playsets.
But this bizarrely named "Balneal Set" goes one step further by making a lot of promises right on the top of the box about the complex emotions of security your "sweeting baby" will feel for it.
And for your daughter's next birthday, why not get a baby doll beaten profusely with the ugly stick? This "lovely pet" is sure to spread it's glum look straight to your child's face!
The Beauty Set, huh? I think my daughter will like it. But there's so many pieces and parts; it could be a little confusing for her. Are there any details on the box to help us out?
Oops! The instructions were written for people in a different dimension of reality. Honest mistake.
This workbench has got it all: hand tools, drill press and brains (not pictured). Offering hope for parents with dim children. Oh well, it's probably an exciting workbench at least.
Or not so exciting. The marketers were like, "The best way to sell the 'fun' of the workbench is to put a comatose, sleepwalking zombie child on the front of the box." And the toymakers were like, "We are intelligent and discerning. This idea is like a brilliant laser beam of brilliance." And the marketers were like, "Then you're going to love our next idea:"
"Let's just type gibberish into BabelFish and print whatever comes out right above the picture of the zombie child." And the toymakers were like, "We just wish we had bigger thumbs so we could give your ideas a bigger thumb's up."
Here's what appears to be another run-of-the-mill Juice Extractor Set. But this product has some features that really set it apart from the rest of the Juice Extractor Sets out there. For example:
Brain-melting language included, right on the box!
This is a litte redundant I think because aren't all Realistic Action Functions inherently Electronic? Come on.
If you weren't convinced before, you are now. Is there a way to make all my children auto mechanics as well, you're wondering? The answer is that anything is possible in China.
Hm. Well, right of the bat, I like the idea of my daughter thinking that ironing is a 'fun' activity. Goes along with the auto mechanic thing. But how can I be sure that she will be convinced that this gaudy pink iron is as 'fun' as I hope it will be?
How do these Asian marketers know all the answers to my questions before I even ask?
Let's say that you were planning on welcoming some strange children (maybe your own children) to someplace that they needed to be welcomed to. Like, uhm, I can't think of anyplace children need to be 'welcomed' to. Let's say hypothetically that you wanted to welcome some children to, uhm, the grand opening of your neighborhood snow cone stand.
Okay. What's the first thing you need? Wrong, it's not a snow cone stand, jerk! You need a welcome gift for the children! Something that will insure a liken new appearance, something vivid and great in style, something definitely the best.
Or else the children's parents are going to be like, "Sure, these children's welcome gifts were vivid. But did they have a liken new appearance? NOT EVEN!" And you will never see them at your hypothetical snow cone stand again, that's real. Be very, very, very real about this. Your hypothetical snow cone stand depends on it.
Even on the day your fish dies.
Wow, a toy forklift with an awkwardly packaged rider! Wait, before I take the bait on this one, what are this toy's selling points?
It's big, wild and action. That should be enough for anybody. But once Joe Consumer realizes that his child's delight will be INFINITE, slam dunk. The deal is done. You would never have to buy another toy again! Not to mention the crucial intellectual motive power. Seriously, don't mention that.
Oh, you Jungle Elves are adorable! Especially the way you don't have anything to do with Elves or the jungle. What a treat! Let's get a closer look at your description:
Nothing in my life could have possibly prepared me for a sentence like "drive it on danger place is forbad, such as public street,,road,brae,natatorium etc." The sheer shock of confusion and joy left me palpitating. At first.
Now I lie in bed night after night, drenched in sweat. My mind reels as I try to imagine the improbable circumstances that could have allowed 'natatorium' to be included in this list of 'forbad danger places.' Why not 'construction site?' Or 'orbital space station?' What dire configuration of human logic allowed for 'natatorium' to be included above all other 'danger places?' Or does some design flaw of these toys cause them to spontaneously burst into flame in natatoriums? If so, what secret component of every natatorium in the world could cause this reaction? HOW CAN I PROTECT MY SWEETING BABY FROM THE SCOURGE OF NATATORIUMS ???
Will we ever know what a brae is? And if not, how can we ever be sure that our precious children aren't driving their Jungle Elves on braes AT THIS VERY SECOND???
What's even worse is that there are people all over the world who aren't even in the slightest bit concerned about this!
Please join me in writing to our state representatives. We must demand that a subcommittee be formed immediately to determine how braes can be stopped.
Before it's too late.