Wednesday, November 4, 2009

Really? At Blockbuster?! - by Christopher

I have discovered the most desperate man in America. Aaron Siebers, just some schmo from Denver, performed what has to be one of the most illogical, poorly thought out and desperate attempts at getting out of work ever conceived.

The full article at The Smoking Gun lays out the pathetic details; the ripped pants, the implicit racism against imaginary hispanics, the sad, sad life of one very deficient individual.

I'm left with only one pressing question at the end of this moronic tale: aren't there any Subway restaurants in Denver? Or FedEx Kinkos shops? Or fricking Wal-Marts?

Could any job in the entire Blockbuster corporate hierarchy all the way up to the CEO of the company (let alone the job as a peon at a check-out counter) warrant STABBING YOURSELF IN THE LEG???

Have you walked into a Blockbuster in the last ten years? Not to overly disparage what the fine folks are doing over there, but I think the only real qualification for employment is a proven history of sniffing paint. Or a tolerance for being surrounded by screens of endlessly looping dreck? Or are those two qualifications really the same qualification? I'm aware that ex-convicts have to work someplace- but Blockbuster? The company that's been going out of business in gruesome slow motion for nearly a decade on the strength of it's "customer service?"

I mean, we know there's a Target retail store in town (with fully functional security cameras). Are you telling me this guy didn't stop for half a second during his walk past Target while he contemplated EVISCERATING HIS FLESH to get out of a shift and think, "You know, I'll just bet I could walk into this big red store over here and get a job performing comparable tasks for comparable benefits." No?

Then Aaron Siebers, you are the most desperate man in America. There's nothing that I or anyone else can do for you. You are well and truly on your own in life; all the education and well-intentioned wisdom in the world will never make a dent in your perfect halo of idiocy. I'm sorry and thank you. I never would have believed this could have been possible.

Not even any drugs involved? Nothing? Just, this guy one day decides that to keep his entry-level job as a scratched dvd shelver he must badly immolate himself, your saying. And set into motion a city-wide manhunt for imaginary assailants, your saying. AND the job is at Blockbuster?!?

I'm just- my mind is blown. I'm doing my best to peel myself off the ceiling on this one.

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