I caught a glance of this picture the other day as I was straightening up the house.
It's Chris on the canals of Amsterdam. We visited there in February of 2007 and had a roaring good time.
Seeing this picture however gave me pause. I looked at it and almost immediately started to grieve the end of the carefree Chris & Sarah days.
"When will we ever be able to pick up and go on a trip alone again? Even when we do, it will never be as simple as it was then."
I shot off a text to Chris:
"What are we doing? Have we lost our minds? When will we ever travel again or be alone just the two of us? Have we made a mistake?"
At this point you may be wondering, how can Sarah write this on her blog? Doesn't she know people are reading this and judging her selfish apprehensions about being a mom?
As you know, I don't see the point in writing if I'm not honest.
And I also know that I am not the only person who has ever felt these feelings of fear and apprehension. I may be one of the few to admit it, but I think almost every parent has felt this feeling to one degree or another. And maybe by talking about it honestly and realizing we aren't alone, we can stop feeling so guilty when it comes up.
(No matter how much you judge me for grieving the loss of my old life, there's no way you can be as critical with me as I am with myself.)
I think I know part of the reason it's so hard right now: we're in a holding pattern.
We can't pick up and go anywhere, anytime with few or no concerns, but, we also don't have two cute babies that can serve as physical reminders as to why we're okay with that.
It's a grey area.
And it's a challenging area.
I want to visit my sister in her new place in NYC this summer; but I know I should be saving for diapers and cribs, and that I'll probably overheat after walking outside in the city for 10 min.
I love reading twins books and thinking about holding them and seeing them laugh for the first time - but man, a week long visit to Costa Rica would be great.
(I mean really, how can you argue with this?)
And when did I start blogging about fetal heartbeats and not crazy Italian drivers?
Everytime I get a NewsFlash from Travelzoo about reduced fares to Europe I feel a little twinge of sadness. And fear.
I realize it's like all things in life, there's a middle ground.
I just have to find it.
I have plans to get a kiddie pool and lawn chairs for the backyard and to invite over a friend for a "dip" and some lemonade.
It's not the beach, but it's also not the inside of a Babies R' Us.
And we're diverting money from eating out in order to start a travel fund so that one day we can take the kids to some of our favorite countries and cities.
Researching strollers instead of researching hotels in New Zealand is one of (if not the biggest)shifts in thought I've ever had to make.
And it's so counter-intuitive; this is what we wanted! So why is it hard sometimes to get onboard with?
It must be as with all things big - growing pains.
I had some trepidations about leaving my single life behind, but marriage has proven to be one of the greatest experiences of my life.
I feel nervous about moving from an apartment to a house - but I know that's going to be great.
I give Chris big credit for his calm reply to my emotional text:
And I know he's right.
Do I miss the old era? Sure.
Will the new be better?
Probably the best of our lives.